Self-Compassion: Why Showing Up For Yourself Is So Important

Lessons on showing up for yourself when it matters most

What would you say to a friend struggling with their relationship and unhappy with their current partner? Or to a friend who’s just being laid off? Or maybe to a friend who lost their purse with all the credit cards and their iPhone?

I bet if you’re a good friend, you would try to be supportive and to comfort your friend in a challenging or unpleasant situation.

We tend to be kind to others, yet we often forget to show the same kindness and compassion to ourselves.

Our Traumas Are Rooted In Childhood

I grew up in a family with the mentality “It could be worse, look how other people suffer. Your problems are not that important”. By constantly devaluing and dismissing my feelings, I learned that I should “get over it”.

My parents believed that if I compared my life to someone who struggles more than I do, it would give me a perspective not to feel bad about my current situation and move on from something that upsets me.

But it never worked that way for me. My pain was real, despite other people's sufferings. Not to diminish other people’s experiences, it didn’t provide the support I needed during moments of vulnerability.

With this mindset, I absorbed the idea that worrying about my emotions is associated with shame.

If I want to be sad, heartbroken, or devastated - I better have a good reason for it.

This mindset is exactly the reason why I devalue my own feelings now while going through a breakup.

I feel heartbroken, and as I’m an anxiously attached person, going through a breakup is not the easiest thing to do.

The worst part here is that I’m struggling to show up for myself in a meaningful way, because my brain keeps sending me signals: “Your pain is not that important, there are people who struggle more than you, stop crying you wuss”.

Insights From The Therapy

In my last session with a therapist, I said to her: “I’m afraid my last relationship ended because I wasn’t good enough. I was too anxious, I was too clingy and needy, I wanted him to understand my emotional needs better and I think I was asking him for too much. That is why the relationship didn’t last”.

I looked at my therapist. She was quiet for a while.

Then she asked me: “Why are you so harsh on yourself? What you expected from your relationship was the need for partnership, for a healthy relationship. It’s your partner who failed to be there for you and show up in a meaningful way. This is about his limitations and his inability to meet you halfway, which led to the breakup.”

And then she asked me the question that I heard so many times before and never was able to fully apply these words to myself.

She asked: “What would you say to your sister or to your best friend who was going through a painful breakup right now?”

Hard truth

I knew exactly what I’d say to my best friend (or especially to my sister whom I love dearly) if they were in an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship with an avoidant and dismissive partner.

I would ask them to be gentle and loving to themselves, prioritize their peace, and get a sense of stability outside of destructive relationships.

I would tell them to remember their self-worth and prioritize their mental health over someone who is ruining it for them.

Why can I be kind, empathetic, and compassionate towards others and can’t show up for myself in the same way?

It’s easy to see the worth of the people we love because we look at them with empathy and care. When it comes to ourselves, we often view our struggles through the harsh lens of perfectionism and self-doubt.

Breaking the cycle of self-destruction

It’s not easy to unlearn habits of self-criticism and replace them with self-compassion.

The path to healing is often uncomfortable, but it’s also where we find growth.

Challenges shape us, and this is up to us to break free from the negative cycles and live a better, more fulfilling life.

I believe this transformation begins from within. That is why showing up for yourself (especially during the hardest moments) is one of the most important things you can do.

Here are a few ways that help me to show up for myself and take care of myself in a meaningful way:

❤️Rituals for comfort and grounding:

When emotions are overwhelming, I would make myself a cup of tea or lighten up a candle. These small actions of self-care help me to anchor myself in reality and send the signal to my brain “I love you, I take care of you”.

❤️Making space for feelings:

I normalize feeling pain, devastation, sadness, or grief. When these feelings are present, they bring discomfort, and we don’t want to sit with them.

This is exactly where we need to practice self-compassion.

By allowing myself to be weak and to feel all my feelings, I create a safe space for myself, where vulnerability is allowed, and where my feelings matter. I don’t have to immediately “get over” my pain and compare my pain to the pain of others.

❤️Finding comfort in routine:

I create more activities for myself that can help me cope during difficult times. I practice yoga and pilates (this is the best tool in my arsenal so far), read books, listen to soft piano music, journal (on paper or the notebook app right in my iPhone), speak with my sister daily, and go on walks, even if it’s just a brisk walk around the block.

All these actions create a sense of purpose and provide safety. Just think of the things that bring you joy, and start small.

Take it with you❤️

🧘‍♀️ My favorite yoga & pilates YouTube channel: Move With Nicole

Her calming voice and beginner-friendly routines are my go-to during stressful days.

🎵 My most beloved yoga playlist that has been with me for more than 5 years: Hoga Yoga

Thank you to my first yoga teacher Anna for this playlist, it doesn’t get old for me.

🎹 Soft piano music on Spotify: Peaceful Piano

📚 Books that I’m reading now:

The Book You Want Everyone You Love To Read - a practical guide to building better relationships with yourself and others by understanding emotions and communication.

The Child in You - a transformative book that explores how our inner child shapes our emotions and relationships, offering tools to heal and build self-compassion.

It’s not a huge list, but it’s a great start for you to feel more grounded and to show up for yourself in a more meaningful way. Let me know in the comments if you like any of my recommendations.

Sending love to all of you!